On having a holiday

For the last 4 days, our eldest children have been on holiday with Michael's parents. When our cell rang with the call from Michael's dad, we half expected an emergency. "Is everything okay?" I asked, puffing as I had ran to grab the phone. "Everything's fine," said Michael's dad with his thick Parisian accent. "One second." The next thing I heard my son's voice. "Maman, we're having so much fun. I want to stay here!" "Me too!" my daughter added. "This is fun!"

Michael and I have been showing my mother and sister around Brussels. They have been the epitome of the bad American tourists. At one point, after my sister (who had never previously left the states) entered into a heated debate over a cup of coffee with a waiter, Michael and I agreed to ditch the family and do our own shopping.
"We'll meet you at the house," Michael whispered to my mother, "We have the phone!"
We had Conor strapped to Michael's back, and we walked through the streets holding hands, enjoying our first outing by ourselves (with the exception of our sleeping baby). When we were stopped at a traffic light, an older couple came up to us and smiled at Conor. "Congratulations on your baby. Being first time parents is so exciting!"
Michael opened his mouth to explain we had a five year old and a two year old, but stopped himself.
'Yes, yes it is exciting," he said. Then he pointed to my stomach, "And second time parents too."
The couple looked at Conor, looked at my stomach and chuckled nervously.
"You certainly work hard," the lady said. Michael and I laughed all the way back to the house.

On knowing nothing is certain

Being parents, you always fear the worst. When my elder daughter was born, she was momentarily deprived of oxygen. In the thirty seconds it took to turn her from limp and lifeless to screaming and red-faced, many images popped into my mind. Not being able to crawl, walk, talk. Not making it to the toddler age. Even when she got walking and talking, and her elder brother was learning to read and write, we imagined disasters- a plane crash, leaving them alone for two seconds in the bath and a drowning. Choking on their baby mash. Michael and I have always been protective parents. Part of that has been our refusal to post our children's pictures on the internet. Michael wanted to abstain from posting names, but loosened up a little when Declan and Carmen (the unfortunate D&C we used to refer to them as) were not kidnapped as we walked through the Tokyo streets.
Conor's birth was smooth, and the knowing that our children were healthy and happy led Michael and I to trying straight away for our fourth. Michael's mother, who is very sick, gave us her blessing to see her last grandchild.
We had no reason to suspect that this pregnancy was anything but normal. Conor was still breastfeeding until recently. I was still functioning. Our scans had revealed two strong heartbeats. I knew I had been stressed with the Tokyo-LA LA-Brussels move, but things were finally calm. We have a house. Declan and Carmen have school. We have our wonderful au pair, who makes our life easier. Then, unexpectedly, I am lying in a hospital bed and my youngest son is gone.

We are mourning for Emmanuel Frédéric, who left us late morning on the 12th July.

My mother, Michael's mother and father, and my newly pregnant younger sister arrived yesterday. Their presence has greatly helped. My mother lay at my bedside, washing my face, saying these things happen. My sister, torn between her desire to visit Brussels and try out her 6th grade French, and her sisterly desire to stay by my bedside with glasses of water, hugged me and offered her love and support. Michael, still shocked, has taken 2 weeks off work. His parents are taking our eldest two children to Paris for a week. I never thought I would agree to letting my children leave, but realizing that nothing is certain, nothing can be controlled, let me agree. We would trust Michael's parents with our lives. They leave tomorrow.

Michael and I will give as much love and attention as we can to our younger son over the next few days. I am on bedrest until my next scan to take things easy.

We are almost certain we will call her Kathleen, or a variant of. This morning in bed, Michael suggested Cathaline, Katherine, and even Kathylynne to make me giggle. Our little Katie. I sit there, waiting for her to kick. Waiting for her to move and therefore move on with life without her brother.

I am grateful to you all- for all your emails and messages and love. I am blessed.

Goodbye Baby Boy

One of our babies did not make it. Baby Boy G died measuring at 17 weeks gestation on 12th July at approximately 11:25am. We are thinking of naming him Emmanuel. Our other twin, gender unknown, is fine with a strong heartbeat. We do not know Baby #2s gender.
Ashley is in hospital with monitoring for Baby #2 and my parents are here to look after our other children. Ashley is quite exhausted. We will be doing everything we can for our other baby. I have taken 2 weeks off work to look after Ashley. Carl- I will ring you.

-Michael.

My son, the eater

Conor weined himself Saturday. It was overdue. Michael came with me to buy the formula, and baby cereal and solids that he has now been approved to eat. We took him to the pediatrician yesterday, and she agreed it was my developing pregnancy that put Conor off breast-feeding. She said, he did it willingly. It was his choice. That is why I love my pediatrician. She always manages to make me feel better about the situation on hand. This afternoon he sat in his pillowed-up highchair and Michael fed him spoonfuls of cereal while I prepared the milk. Conor giggled and spat the cereal out over Michael's suit saying dad you think you get to look nice for work while mommy gets to wear all my old food? Think again!

When I can go shopping crazy

We have a gender determining ultrasound on the 2nd August.

If we have twin boys, we are pretty much decided on Daniel Gerard and Gabriel Thomas. Since the beginning of the pregnancy, I have felt that the twins are boys. Michael tells me that feelings mean nothing. We will probably end up with twin daughters, octuplets, or a singleton.

Michael and I watched l'urgence last night. We put our eldest children to bed for school in the morning, and tucked Conor up between us to get his weekly dose of medical goodness. This time, we watched season 2. Conor gurgles and giggles when Jeannie comes on the screen. We have written it in Conor's book as his first crush.

My babies, the warriors

No mother forgets the first time she feels baby kicks. With Declan, I was in a French class. I was sure that French was the first sound he heard when he gained awareness. With Carmen, I was lying in bed with Michael and Declan. Michael's hand was on my belly. With Conor, Michael was away on a business trip. I begun talking to my son in Spanish. Chico, chico, chico. With the twins, I was sitting Conor on the floor in his chair to entertain himself with kitchen pots while I made a cake. When I handed Conor the spatula, the babies began to flutter. I immediately ran to the phone and called Michael. He was in a meeting with several important people from Botswana. "Mikey," I said to his secretary, "THETWINSJUSTMOVEDANDIFELTITANDOHMYGOD." His secretary, who is used to my crazy, whispered, "Hold on a sec, Ashley." I could hear the sounds of her getting my husband's attention and whispering, "Some sort of new revelation with the babies." My husband's patient voice answered the phone, "What's happened, Ash?"
"They're there, Michael," I said, "They're really there."

We took Declan to the ER last week following what we thought was an asthma attack. He was sweating and could hardly breathe. Carmen came running to our room to inform us of this. "Deccie- sick," she had said. Michael phoned the ambulance and immediately I begun trying to calm my son down while thinking of the million things I would have to do- find socks and jackets for the other children and the keys to the apartment. My mind began answering questions I knew would be asked- any other medical problems, any other incidents of breathing, full name, age, height, developmental milestones. It was the first time.
"He's healthy," I told the paramedic. By this time, Declan was hiccuping and struggling for breath. He was put on oxygen and I followed him in the ambulance to the children's hospital. He was examined quickly. Michael and our younger children arrived soon after. At around 9am, a psychiatrist came to see us. He asked lots of questions about Declan and his personality. We answered honestly- he thinks a lot, he is very intelligent, he is the eldest child, he shows much compassion for his younger brother and sister. Yes, we have moved- many different countries. The psychiatrist explained that Declan has an anxiety disorder, probably caused by all the moves. He sees the psychologist next Monday at Fabiola Hospital.
Some options were presented to us- psychotherapy, medications. Michael explained it was a one off thing. Our son is otherwise healthy. This came as a shock. He asked if medication is necessary. Michael and I do not agree with medicating children unless absolutely necessary. The psychologist agreed we could trial psychotherapy. We have also installed a baby monitor in his room, beside his bed.
Michael and I have found it difficult to sleep soundly after that. We lie awake, wondering what is troubling our son. We wonder if he would be having these problems if we had stayed in one place. We talk to him, always ask him if he is okay. He is staunch and shrugs off our questions. Ca va maman! The psychiatrist said to ask his teachers how he is going. Michael and I made an appointment, all the while wondering if his teachers would talk of his nervous demeanour and diminishining progress. Instead, they said Declan is advancing. He has made many friends. Maybe Josef, Oceane and Braedin would want to come and play at our house?

There is so much to parenting. We always wonder if we could do more. We always wonder if we are involved enough with our children, if they know the extent of our love and care for them. Michael and I always agreed family was the number one thing, but had our moves and focus on new babies inadvertently neglected the other children? Michael took a day off and went to Carmen's playschool. Carmen showed Michael off to her teachers and friends. "Daddy's here to play with me!" Carmen announced proudly. There was a tone of surprise in her voice. The teacher reassured Michael. He said most fathers never come. Most fathers work fulltime.

Conor's milestones are rapidly increasing. He is able to hold toys, roll over both ways, giggle, attempt to copy our words, and is already exhibiting a preference for Michael and I over assorted relatives and friends. I signed us up for a Mommy-Baby dance group, which Kim and her daughter Olympia adore.

I will try and post more often. I have started translating 2 days a week. I have a contract with a local company until October when I can start maternity leave with the twins. I am 15 weeks along. The morning sickness has eased up and I am feeling more healthy and energetic. I am already piling the weight on. People are starting to ask me when I am due. I am enjoying this, my last pregnancy. It's almost 4am, I had better go to sleep. Chao.